Today I am not feeling well. I have been sooo sick... I found out recently that I will be needing surgery, which at first was really hard to hear. Today I was in a shrinking mode, turning slightly inward. Thinking to my self "Lord all I wish to do is to serve you.. and here I sit.. throwing up and just wanting to lay here in a ball... Why can't I be well? Why cant you just heal me?" Then I watched this video.
As I watched his video I reflected on the Saviors life as told in the new testament.
I sat in deep thought and feeling. I pictured the Savior on the day that they chose to release Barabbas over the Son of God. A perfect man who meant them no harm. I imagined the Savior on this day, how alone he felt... How is heart must have felt, the pain and the anguish in knowing those whom were meant to be his true friends, followers and supporters had left him. What he felt as he bled great drops of blood from every pore, as he suffered for my sins, my infirmities, my trials, and my weaknesses. As he gave his heart to the Father...
"42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." Luke 22
I tried to imagine what he felt in these last hours of his life. As they nailed him to the cross I wonder if tears streamed from his eyes, as he was paying the price for the sins of those men, men that he created this world as a place for them to live, those men who left him there to die.
I tried to imagine what it was like for his mother to stand by helplessly as he completed his atonement.
I tried to feel what they felt after three days of anguish in knowing that Jesus Christ, their brother and friend was gone.
Then I tried to feel what it was like to see his face, his beautiful, glorious resurrected face... to feel his hands and his feet... To be in his presence. I thought to myself, what can I learn from this today that might help strengthen some one else?
Today I learned that my will does not matter if it is not in line with God's will.
My fear all along with being sick on my mission has been that they would send me home early. with just a little over 3 months left and the need to have surgery, my fears were haunting me every moment of every day. Nightmares of going home before August were creeping into my sleep and I was running from the thought. My fear is to let down or disappoint God by going home before my scheduled time. My fear is that I am not giving him enough, not trying hard enough, not pushing through like I should, that I am just a big huge disappointment to him.
As I was watching this wonderful video I was calmed when I realized it is not my will, but Gods will that I need to follow. It's not a matter of staying or going, but how am I taking this trial on that will please the Lord. Am I keeping my smile? Am I doing my best to remain positive? Am I turning to him for solace, and strength? This is what matters. Am I enduring it well? Or am I throwing a tantrum? If his will is for me to leave ahead of my scheduled exit date, I can and I will accept.
I can find peace in him
I am not alone in this, just as the angel came to strengthen Christ as he prayed more earnestly with all of his might, he was assisted in his hour of need. As we pray, and pray and pray some more, God will send encouragement through the Holy Ghost. We are never alone in times of need. Christ literally felt what you are feeling.
Because Christ lives, in a glorified, perfect body, we too will live in a perfectly glorified body.
To my friends who have had to leave a mission early for whatever the reason may be, you did not let the Lord down. You have not given up the fight, you have simply been transferred to a new battlefield. We only let the Lord down when we fail to endure, when we fail to keep hope, when we forget what we are fighting for, when we become bitter and let go of our beliefs, when we beat ourselves up and cut ourselves down. That is when we begin to disappoint our father.
As the Lord has risen we too will rise, no more pain, sorrow, or sickness.
To my friends who are in constant pain, whether it be heart, body, or mind... Please don't give up. Don't let go of the fight. Be faithful and trust that because of Christs sacrifice he will heal you, you will be made whole. Whether it is now, later, or in the life to come. He will heal you.
"yea, we can see that the Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him." Helaman 12:1
He over came all of your weaknesses, addictions, heart aches, illnesses, and struggles. As he gave his life he paid a debt we could not pay on our own. He gave his heart to God because he loves us. He wants us to return to live with him after this life. He wants us home. Unfortunately Fortunately enough the journey home is almost always rough. We are given trials to stretch, to grow, to progress and to become as he is. To become humble, submissive, and willing to follow as he calls after you.
''Lord, I would follow thee" I am doing my best to give what it takes to be a true disciple of my Savior, to follow his call, no matter where it might lead, and when it may come. To be ready to submit my will and take upon myself his will. With out murmuring, crying, and throwing my hands up in the air.
I am so thankful for the Savior Jesus Christ, that he was willing to stand alone, to be betrayed, mocked, spit on, cast off as a thing of naught. All to be able to aid us, to lift us, and to make us whole. Because he suffered alone, we don't have to. Even when it seems as though there is nothing left for you, you have everything because the Savior will stay at your side for as long as you invite him to be there. He will not leave you comfortless. He will run to you.
He lives, I know he lives. He loves you. He weeps when you weep. He laughs when you laugh. He morns when you morn. He comforts you when you stand in need of comfort.
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