Growing up I never cared what people thought. My mom would buy me all these cute little girly outfits and I would rather wear my brothers tattered hand me down volcom hoodies. Over bows ribbons and frilly things. I loved to wear Vans skate shoes and I LOVED to go skate boarding with my brother. My mom would put all these cute dresses on me and I COULDN'T RIDE MY BIKE IN THEM. Secretly, I loved barbies and dolls though.
I was different and I didn't care. This bought me a free ticket to bully street. Elementary school was rough, I was still to little to super care what people were saying. I was blessed to come home to a loving mom each day who would build me up. "They just don't understand you, if they truly knew you they would see how awesome you are"
Middle school was especially... brutal. I was the punk girl. I enjoyed wearing stud belts, ripped jeans, band T's and my converse high tops. The more bracelets the better, the darker nail polish was most preferred, I wore my make up dark as well. BUT I WAS HAPPY. So happy. Always in a good mood. I just liked dressing extreme, and listening to music you could hardly understand. I was branded emo, or punk girl.
I slowly started to fit the look. As people would send me text messages similar to the one the girl gets in this video, emails on what was then "myspace" "Emo girl no one would miss you if you were gone" and things like that. I was beginning to cave under pressure. The me I once loved and embraced was slowly getting lost in the criticism. I was losing my light. I was beginning to doubt things I was pretty much born into knowing were true.
There is one day that sticks out to me in particular. I came home from one of the hardest days of school. I had been beat down verbally and emotionally to the point, I didn't realize my worth anymore. I didn't know who I was or why I was here. I didn't understand why as a 14 year old girl I had to experience these things. I was doing my best to believe in God, I was doing my best to follow the commandments when people around my were slipping, I didn't want to follow the crowd and that's where my extreme exterior came from. I came home from school and went straight to my room. I listened to one of my favorite songs by a band "Good Charlotte" This song is called hold on it says:
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
As I listened to this song I was curled up in a ball on my floor pleading with heavenly father to help me. For the first time ever I doubted if he was there. I asked him why I was going through this. I was so angry. I didn't understand why he would allow this to happen. I cried myself into a nap. When I woke up it was late at night. I began to pray again and I opened my book of mormon and I opened to a scripture 3 Nephi 14:7-8
7 Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
For the first time ever I asked God if He was there. I asked him if he even cared about me. I asked him who I was to him. On this day I developed a very real relationship with God. This is the time that I realized prayers are something personal. Not just a moment to breeze through but a moment to really communicate with God like I would with my parents here on earth.
At this point I started to see who I was. I began to see myself as a daughter of God. I felt something deep in my heart that night. I didn't yet understand why I was here or why I was going through those things. But they started to feel like something that would be possible to endure.
My self esteem was next to nothing which lead to some really rough years in High school and the beginning of college.
I would drift back and forth in my beliefs, I wasn't rooted deeply in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I knew that it was because of Him that I made it through that night where I no longer felt alone. I knew it was because of him that I endured those years of torture.
It wasn't until I started reading from the book of Mormon daily that I truly understood myself, my worth and what I am capable to become.
"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God"
"I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days."1 Nephi 1
It wasn't until I was almost 20 that I gained understanding for why I went through the trials I went through. It wasn't because I was doing anything wrong, it wasn't because God was angry with me. We all have the ability to make choices, and sometimes we make choices that bring others down. In the attacks I often made a choice to fight back. I said things that were hurtful, I felt justified. I was praying to be able to let go of the way that these people had made me feel. My answer was "Find them and apologize and your burden will be lifted" It was like going to the dentist to have my teeth pulled! How ever I went through and I found these people, as I apologized it also gave them the opportunity to do the same, we were able to close those doors and move forward.
There are moments life doesn't seem fair, there are moments we may have to endure abuse, there are moments others hurt us so deeply we believe that we are beyond repair. There is no baggage that is heavier to bear than the burdens of a grudge. To be forgiven we must also forgive. You don't have to let the person back into your life, to tromp over you again. However, it is important to let go of those feelings of bitterness, hatred, and frustration. They are toxic poison to the spirit. They held me back from feeling Gods love for many years, they held me back from becoming my true self. Forgiveness is liberating, it brings freedom from our own captivity. It allows more peace and happiness to enter into our hearts and minds.
21 ¶Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Forgiveness is essential to keep us close to God. We are freed from the burden of having to choose who we will forgive, we are freed from the burden of having to decide how to judge, we are freed by forgiveness.
Not only do we need to forgive others, but it is important to let go and to forgive ourselves. To let go and allow the Atonement repair our tattered hearts. I have learned in my short 22 years that I can't fix myself. There are certain thing that once they are broken only the Savior himself can fix. There are certain things that we can only do so much to fix and again it is up to Jesus Christ to do the rest.
He is the divine healer and the greatest physician. We must go to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to mend our broken hearts.
Through my trials I learned so many important things, one is to let people be who they want to be allow them to express themselves, and love them for it. Let go of grudges. Be so careful of what you say. Words can pierce deeper than the sword most wounds heal over time, but the wounds caused by the words of abuse can last a life time. Trust in God. I have learned of the reality of Christs Atonement and love for me. I have learned of my true worth as I have lost my self in Christ. Self esteem isn't something we gain from the world, it can only be given as we understand our true nature and where we came from, as I have gained understanding in knowing I am a creation of God I see myself in a new way. People have the ability to change. Don't hold their past against them. and God doesn't make mistakes, we are all created in a way that he sees to be beautiful. We are all his children and when we feel like no one else loves us Christ, and Heavenly father do.
(me now! so happy! the book of mormon changes people)
NEVER LET GO. NEVER GIVE UP. ALWAYS HOLD ON AND NEVER GIVE IN. TRUST IN GOD AND KNOW THAT HE LIVES.
And it supposeth me that they have come up hither to hear the pleasing word of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul. Jacob 2
Christ heals all wounds, all we have to do is ask, act and receive. :)
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