“The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments.” ― Dieter F. Uchtdorf Being home is weird. A new you, put back into your old life. I don't know if its just me.. or if all returned missionaries feel this way. I feel as though people have these expectations of what I should or shouldn't be.. Or that I am constantly compared to the "old me" or the "real Ashley" I didn't think adapting back to "normal life" would be so difficult. I often find myself zoning out.. hardly speaking and feeling uncomfortable in my own world. It's time to break the mold and be who the lord helped me become in New York, to lay aside expectations and my comfort zone.
Just because I don't wear the badge anymore doesn't mean my life has to change. I can still be happy. I can still serve others, and I can be me. Me is the same person I was 18 months ago. Just with new habits, more discipline, eternal perspective, a greater desire to obey, and a firm foundation built on Christ. I have the same hobbies, dreams, and greater expectations. It's time to reach them. Time to stop wishing I was in New York and to live for today. To BE HAPPY. My life might not be going as smoothly as I hoped it would. I might not have the job of my dreams, or be in school like I hoped... But I can still find joy in the journey. My mission taught me to endure well through trials. Its my time to apply what I learned to this chapter. Endure with faith. Happiness. and peace. Peace in knowing that my life is in the hands of a heavenly father who created me. To give up my murmuring and to step into trusting God that all is going to work out. This is my life, I may not choose my trials, but I can choose whether or not I will be broken. Being home doesn't have to be weird. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable. I am realizing that it doesn't matter where we are in life, but that we make the best of our location. Give it your best, even if some things suck. That doesn't mean I have to suck. Life is stressful. That doesn't mean you have to dwell on it.
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."Ether 12:6
I am going to make the next 18 months the BEST 18 months for my life. I will continue growing, I will stay close to the Lord, and I will keep serving others. I will keep trying, I will keep smiling, I will do my best, to be my best everyday. "Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement" Elder Russell M Nelson
Being a missionary is HARD! Nothing worth doing ever comes easy, if it were easy I wouldn't appreciate it. So many ups, downs, yes's and no's... Doors slammed and doors welcoming us in. Voices of gratitude and voices of hate. Before I left home and was saying my goodbyes a friends father told me "Ash.. remember one thing on your mission. If you aren't having fun then you aren't doin it right" That has stuck with me in moments that i have hit my lowest of lows and I began to take things too seriously.. Life isn't supposed to just be endured and chugged through, we are meant to have joy! Joy in the journey.. Joy no matter our circumstances. I have now been a missionary for almost 17 months. It's been the hardest BEST thing I have ever done for my life. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. "10 For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." 1 Nephi 20:10 or Isaiah 48:10 My mission has been a furnace of afflictions, the melting pot burning out my deepest weaknesses, pushing me to become something so much more... Before my mission.. I didn't understand who I was or what I could become. I considered it being "a free spirit" when really, I was lost. I wasn't becoming who Father in heaven sent me to earth to be... I didn't face my trials with courage, I was easily broken. Rules made me cringe... and I was the only person in the world.. or so I thought.. I feel like my mission has been another life time inside of my already existing life. Before we came to earth we lived with heavenly father. He taught us his plan and prepared us to come here. We chose to follow Christ and come to earth. We knew that as we came to earth we would be expected to follow the fathers plan and that we would some day return to live with him. Our life on earth we spend years away from our heavenly father doing our best to make choices that will bring us back to him.. Oh how I long to be with him some day.. At the beginning of my mission I went to the Missionary training center to be trained and study the gospel, I was prepared to come here and teach, to be obedient, and to bring others to Christ. To have experiences that would be hard.. Experiences that would stretch me and promote growth. Moments of the greatest joy I have experience to this point in my life.. and at the end of these short 18 months I will return home to my parents, hopefully making them proud of the woman I have become. I wonder to myself as my mission is coming to a close... Was I willing enough to serve? Have I made a difference? Was I teaching clear enough? Did I do my best to find others and bring them to Christ? Did I teach clearly enough? Did I spend the Lords time wisely??? Was I successful in fulfilling what the lord sent me here to new york to do?? How can I be better?? What can I change? Have I truly changed into a better woman? Did I do my best to focus on others? As I have been on a mission I haven't had thousands of people be baptized like Alma in the book of Mormon.. Or Christ apostles.. I haven't had people begging to be taught and to keep all the commitments we extend.. I do however know that I have done my best. I have done my best to invite. Through many illnesses and surgeries... I have done my best to stick by Jesus Christ. Yes I know there are times I could have been more productive, times I spent doing missionary "stuff" rather than missionary "WORK" we all are guilty of this at some point or another.. But I am doing my best to repent and to change, to work harder and smarter every day. I have done my best to be an example. To love EVERYONE I meet and serve with. Especially those who give a less than welcoming response. There have been lives that have touched me deeply, and connections made that I will never forget. I have met people who have changed me as a person that I know Christ put before me to help me heal, as I have done my best to help them find the healing power of the atonement and apply it. It's been so joyous to witness a change in people who knew that the missing pieces to their life were being filled by the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The closer it gets to August 13 the more I freak out.. the more stressed I get.. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I GET HOME.. What if I turn back into an idiot again.. what if what if what if.. I believe I am the opposite of trunky. I have been pleading with the Heavenly Father that he would comfort my soul in Christ.. That he would help me to feel peace.. That he would help me focus and dedicate myself for these next few weeks. That he could show me the way to improvement. There was this moment I was overwhelmed with peace. Peace in knowing Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me. And each of his children here on earth. Though this time might be coming to a close.. My mission is not over.. I have been prepared and I have learned the ways to be a woman of God. To live my life the way Heavenly Father hoped I would. I have found great peace in this quote from LDS general conference:
"We Are Not Made for Endings. In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless13 and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf Just as he called me on a mission.. He called me here to earth. He sent me here to earth to gain experiences and become more like His son Jesus Christ. He knew I would make mistakes and be unable to reach perfection in this life.. However.. that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. My mission has taught me just that. I will never be the perfect missionary.. I will never teach all of the people in western new york.. I will never fill my time perfectly.. I can try though. I can do my best to dedicate myself to Christ and to serving in the way that he did. I have felt a small glimpse into what the saviors ministry must have been like. Rejection, denial, laughing, mocking, and casting us out. On the other end, I have felt what it is like to rejoice when it clicks, when people make changes to follow the savior, and to keep his commandments. I have felt the joy of witnessing some wounded souls being healed through Christ. THERE IS NO GREATER JOY I have felt the Joy in obedience, when keeping Gods commandments, and living a life centered on Christ. There is no greater joy than what comes from feeling the spirit in a great abundance each day. I have felt the happiness that comes from hard work, and diligence. I have learned to endure well.. To not throw my hands up when the goin gets rough. I have felt what it is like to live for Christ. I have experienced the enabling, refining, strengthening power of the atonement through each experience. He has taken me in my weakness and made me stronger. Trials, conflicts, and weakness are all essential to the journey. Essential to learn from, to develop.. It is all about becoming. Becoming a more loving person, trusting even though we have been led to mistrust by the actions of others, serving, giving of our time to lift the spirits of another, letting go of what we want and following what God wants. Rather than begging for trials to be removed.. Begging to know what we can learn, or how it can mold us. Christ set the ultimate example in the garden as he suffered for our sins beyond any pain we will ever experience "Not my will but thine be done" were the words that he said.. It is my hope that I have served and will continue to serve in a way that is pleasing to God, that I have become a more humble, trusting servant to Christ.. That as his disciple I can represent him as a clean, righteous woman. It is my ultimate hope that at the end of my life and my mission on earth I can stand before Heavenly Father and hear the words "Well done my good and faithful servant" It is my hopes that my mission is being accepted and that my services is pleasing to him. It is my hope that when I get off the plane that I can stand before my mom and dad and make em proud!!
"Though hard to you this journey may appear, all is well "
Where do I turn for peace in the mix of trials and changes that occur in life, and the bittersweet endings? I turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, my older brother... Jesus Christ. Through the trials, changes, rough roads, and new beginnings, I turn to Christ. I run to him and fall to my knees in prayer. He is there for each and every one of us. To help bring us home. He lives, and he loves us all infinitely.
I want to thank you for the times you have been here for me, I want to thank you for your example of love and service, I want to thank you for the example of endurance, perseverance, and laughter you have given me. I want to thank you for being my best friend. I want to thank you for being my mother.
I remember when we were little jumping on and off of your giant bed running up and down the hall until we could no longer breathe. Building snowmen, and going sledding. Hide and go seek through out the house.. baking treats and climbing mountains. All of the times we have laughed and not even known why we are laughing.
Painting our nails and talking about boys. Nights I have come home in tears, and days I have come home with novels of drama and talked off you ears... Driving in the car blasting music with you... Staying up late at night and talking on your bed... Crying, laughing, laughing from crying and laughing instead of crying. Moments passed that I am sure you wanted to shake me and open my eyes, when I was to stubborn to see... Moments where I was coming home later than I was supposed to and you wanted to scream... Moments where I was a typical annoying young adult and thought I owned the world... and moments of silence when you couldn't get a word in because I am stubborn and just had to make my point. Moments you didn't want to see my face so I painted it with your make up.... ALL of these moments you have taught me valuable lessons and important things to know...
However, I am mostly thankful for the moments you have taught me to forgive, to move forward, and to let go of the grudge.... The times you have taught me about prayer, heavenly father, and the gospel. You have shown me how to hold firm and not be moved, you have set the way and pattern to endure with a smile, to find laughter in moments of tears... To push forward especially when surrounded by darkness.
I can remember coming into your room at night to find you in prayer, or lost in the book of Mormon...
If ever there was a moment of sorrow, grief, pain, or happiness you were there to tell me to pray, to teach me that God is there, that he loves me just as you do. You taught me early about my Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite sacrifice. You taught me of unconditional love, patience, and compassion. To not let my experiences make me bitter but to make me better. You have taught me to serve, not to judge, and to be a true friend. I hope to some day be a mommy like you. A teacher, a healer, a source of peace, comfort, and love. All attributes of our Savior that I am learning from you. Thank you for never giving up on me and always helping me to find the best in every situation, to pray, and to trust in Gods plan. Thank you for teaching me that when the battle gets rough to fight harder and hold more firmly my ground. "they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it."
"And
as the remainder of our army were about to give way before the
Lamanites, behold, those two thousand and sixty were firm and undaunted.
21 Yea,
and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with
exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them;
and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers
had taught them."
(Alma 56&57)
You have taught me what faith is. You have taught me to not doubt, only believe, to always look forward in patience, to not give up my fight, to be bold telling what I believe, to be true to who I am, to do my best to obey with exactness and to change when I have lost my way. So many things I have learned from you! Thank you for being you. Thank you for always loving me. I am so blessed to have a mommy like you!!! LOVE, YOUR BABY BEAR :) PS THANK YOU FOR BEING MY MOMMA!!! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Life is a time to gain experience. Some of us gain experience through success, others through sorrow. All of us at some point or another have or will pass through a time of grief. A time we feel utterly alone. A time we wonder if we can push through and continue on. We all have our hour of darkness. An hour that feels as though we wish we were no more. There is a lesson I have learned from a book of mormon missionary, Ammon, in his very hour of alone-ness, when he is about to give up, and throw in the towel he is reminded, and comforted through the lord to not turn back. To not give up his hope. "Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success." Alma 26:27 (For those unfamiliar with the book of Mormon, the Lammanites are terrible to the Nephites, They are set on the destruction of the Nephites.) We all have our Lammanites in life, moments bent on our destruction where it feels as though the world is pulling on our shoulders, when we can hear the whisperings of temptation "Give up, just turn back.. you will never be good enough" "Why do you look ahead with hope? You have done all of these things wrong" "You are not a real missionary, you're sick all the time..." "Those people don't care what you have to say.. why would you even try?" "Just give up already, quit trying. you are to weak" The Savior has promised in John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." He later says... "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the
world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it
be afraid."
He has promised us that we would be comforted in hour very hour of need. Go back to you fears, your trials, your temptations and face them with Jesus Christ. No power of evil is strong enough to over come you when you have Christ at your side. He over came the world, he over came the temptations and weaknesses, he never gave up so that he could help you when you want to cry "mercy" and wave the white flag of truce.
Christ can not, and he will not leave if we do whatsoever thing he asks. If we are pushing our hardest on a diligent path of obedience, if we are doing our part to over come and to achieve, he is bound. He can not leave. he will not leave.
Be patient and trust, in his own time he will come and he will build you up and strengthen you. He will assist you and deliver you. Fight the battle with courage and be not afraid. Satan will laugh mock and scorn, he will try to shake you a move you. Be not moved, stand firm in Christ, he is cheering you on and is thankful that even though you feel as though you have failed him you have not given up the fight. Stand firm in Christ and he will give unto you success. You will make it through.
"Todo lo puedo en Cristo que me fortalece"
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth
me.
Keep the faith. Keep the hope and you will be given the successs you wish. Keep righteous, keep loving, and keep moving forward in Christ :)
This is a little late I know. However, my favorite time of year is Easter, to reflect on the Saviors life and to praise the risen Lord, to reflect on his sacrifice, his love and his mercy. As I watched this bible video below and many others depicting the Saviors ministry I became very emotional.
Today I am not feeling well. I have been sooo sick... I found out recently that I will be needing surgery, which at first was really hard to hear. Today I was in a shrinking mode, turning slightly inward. Thinking to my self "Lord all I wish to do is to serve you.. and here I sit.. throwing up and just wanting to lay here in a ball... Why can't I be well? Why cant you just heal me?" Then I watched this video.
As I watched his video I reflected on the Saviors life as told in the new testament.
I sat in deep thought and feeling. I pictured the Savior on the day that they chose to release Barabbas over the Son of God. A perfect man who meant them no harm. I imagined the Savior on this day, how alone he felt... How is heart must have felt, the pain and the anguish in knowing those whom were meant to be his true friends, followers and supporters had left him. What he felt as he bled great drops of blood from every pore, as he suffered for my sins, my infirmities, my trials, and my weaknesses. As he gave his heart to the Father...
"42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." Luke 22
I tried to imagine what he felt in these last hours of his life. As they nailed him to the cross I wonder if tears streamed from his eyes, as he was paying the price for the sins of those men, men that he created this world as a place for them to live, those men who left him there to die.
I tried to imagine what it was like for his mother to stand by helplessly as he completed his atonement.
I tried to feel what they felt after three days of anguish in knowing that Jesus Christ, their brother and friend was gone.
Then I tried to feel what it was like to see his face, his beautiful, glorious resurrected face... to feel his hands and his feet... To be in his presence. I thought to myself, what can I learn from this today that might help strengthen some one else?
Today I learned that my will doesnot matter if it is not in line with God's will.
My fear all along with being sick on my mission has been that they would send me home early. with just a little over 3 months left and the need to have surgery, my fears were haunting me every moment of every day. Nightmares of going home before August were creeping into my sleep and I was running from the thought. My fear is to let down or disappoint God by going home before my scheduled time. My fear is that I am not giving him enough, not trying hard enough, not pushing through like I should, that I am just a big huge disappointment to him.
As I was watching this wonderful video I was calmed when I realized it is not my will, but Gods will that I need to follow. It's not a matter of staying or going, but how am I taking this trial on that will please the Lord. Am I keeping my smile? Am I doing my best to remain positive? Am I turning to him for solace, and strength? This is what matters. Am I enduring it well? Or am I throwing a tantrum? If his will is for me to leave ahead of my scheduled exit date, I can and I will accept.
I can find peace in him
I am not alone in this, just as the angel came to strengthen Christ as he prayed more earnestly with all of his might, he was assisted in his hour of need. As we pray, and pray and pray some more, God will send encouragement through the Holy Ghost. We are never alone in times of need. Christ literally felt what you are feeling.
Because Christ lives, in a glorified, perfect body, we too will live in a perfectly glorified body.
To my friends who have had to leave a mission early for whatever the reason may be, you did not let the Lord down. You have not given up the fight, you have simply been transferred to a new battlefield. We only let the Lord down when we fail to endure, when we fail to keep hope, when we forget what we are fighting for, when we become bitter and let go of our beliefs, when we beat ourselves up and cut ourselves down. That is when we begin to disappoint our father.
As the Lord has risen we too will rise, no more pain, sorrow, or sickness.
To my friends who are in constant pain, whether it be heart, body, or mind... Please don't give up. Don't let go of the fight. Be faithful and trust that because of Christs sacrifice he will heal you, you will be made whole. Whether it is now, later, or in the life to come. He will heal you.
"yea, we can see that the Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him." Helaman 12:1
He over came all of your weaknesses, addictions, heart aches, illnesses, and struggles. As he gave his life he paid a debt we could not pay on our own. He gave his heart to God because he loves us. He wants us to return to live with him after this life. He wants us home. Unfortunately Fortunately enough the journey home is almost always rough. We are given trials to stretch, to grow, to progress and to become as he is. To become humble, submissive, and willing to follow as he calls after you.
''Lord, I would follow thee" I am doing my best to give what it takes to be a true disciple of my Savior, to follow his call, no matter where it might lead, and when it may come. To be ready to submit my will and take upon myself his will. With out murmuring, crying, and throwing my hands up in the air.
I am so thankful for the Savior Jesus Christ, that he was willing to stand alone, to be betrayed, mocked, spit on, cast off as a thing of naught. All to be able to aid us, to lift us, and to make us whole. Because he suffered alone, we don't have to. Even when it seems as though there is nothing left for you, you have everything because the Savior will stay at your side for as long as you invite him to be there. He will not leave you comfortless. He will run to you.
He lives, I know he lives. He loves you. He weeps when you weep. He laughs when you laugh. He morns when you morn. He comforts you when you stand in need of comfort.
