Being a missionary is HARD! Nothing worth doing ever comes easy, if it were easy I wouldn't appreciate it. So many ups, downs, yes's and no's... Doors slammed and doors welcoming us in. Voices of gratitude and voices of hate. Before I left home and was saying my goodbyes a friends father told me "Ash.. remember one thing on your mission. If you aren't having fun then you aren't doin it right" That has stuck with me in moments that i have hit my lowest of lows and I began to take things too seriously.. Life isn't supposed to just be endured and chugged through, we are meant to have joy! Joy in the journey.. Joy no matter our circumstances.
I have now been a missionary for almost 17 months. It's been the hardest BEST thing I have ever done for my life. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.
"10 For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction."
1 Nephi 20:10 or Isaiah 48:10
My mission has been a furnace of afflictions, the melting pot burning out my deepest weaknesses, pushing me to become something so much more...
Before my mission.. I didn't understand who I was or what I could become. I considered it being "a free spirit" when really, I was lost. I wasn't becoming who Father in heaven sent me to earth to be... I didn't face my trials with courage, I was easily broken. Rules made me cringe... and I was the only person in the world.. or so I thought..
I feel like my mission has been another life time inside of my already existing life. Before we came to earth we lived with heavenly father. He taught us his plan and prepared us to come here. We chose to follow Christ and come to earth. We knew that as we came to earth we would be expected to follow the fathers plan and that we would some day return to live with him. Our life on earth we spend years away from our heavenly father doing our best to make choices that will bring us back to him.. Oh how I long to be with him some day..
At the beginning of my mission I went to the Missionary training center to be trained and study the gospel, I was prepared to come here and teach, to be obedient, and to bring others to Christ. To have experiences that would be hard.. Experiences that would stretch me and promote growth. Moments of the greatest joy I have experience to this point in my life.. and at the end of these short 18 months I will return home to my parents, hopefully making them proud of the woman I have become.
I wonder to myself as my mission is coming to a close... Was I willing enough to serve? Have I made a difference? Was I teaching clear enough? Did I do my best to find others and bring them to Christ? Did I teach clearly enough? Did I spend the Lords time wisely??? Was I successful in fulfilling what the lord sent me here to new york to do?? How can I be better?? What can I change? Have I truly changed into a better woman? Did I do my best to focus on others?
As I have been on a mission I haven't had thousands of people be baptized like Alma in the book of Mormon.. Or Christ apostles.. I haven't had people begging to be taught and to keep all the commitments we extend.. I do however know that I have done my best. I have done my best to invite. Through many illnesses and surgeries... I have done my best to stick by Jesus Christ. Yes I know there are times I could have been more productive, times I spent doing missionary "stuff" rather than missionary "WORK" we all are guilty of this at some point or another.. But I am doing my best to repent and to change, to work harder and smarter every day. I have done my best to be an example. To love EVERYONE I meet and serve with. Especially those who give a less than welcoming response.
There have been lives that have touched me deeply, and connections made that I will never forget. I have met people who have changed me as a person that I know Christ put before me to help me heal, as I have done my best to help them find the healing power of the atonement and apply it. It's been so joyous to witness a change in people who knew that the missing pieces to their life were being filled by the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
The closer it gets to August 13 the more I freak out.. the more stressed I get.. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I GET HOME.. What if I turn back into an idiot again.. what if what if what if.. I believe I am the opposite of trunky. I have been pleading with the Heavenly Father that he would comfort my soul in Christ.. That he would help me to feel peace.. That he would help me focus and dedicate myself for these next few weeks. That he could show me the way to improvement. There was this moment I was overwhelmed with peace. Peace in knowing Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me. And each of his children here on earth. Though this time might be coming to a close.. My mission is not over.. I have been prepared and I have learned the ways to be a woman of God. To live my life the way Heavenly Father hoped I would. I have found great peace in this quote from LDS general conference:
"We Are Not Made for Endings. In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless13 and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Just as he called me on a mission.. He called me here to earth.
He sent me here to earth to gain experiences and become more like His son Jesus Christ. He knew I would make mistakes and be unable to reach perfection in this life.. However.. that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. My mission has taught me just that. I will never be the perfect missionary.. I will never teach all of the people in western new york.. I will never fill my time perfectly.. I can try though. I can do my best to dedicate myself to Christ and to serving in the way that he did.
I have felt a small glimpse into what the saviors ministry must have been like. Rejection, denial, laughing, mocking, and casting us out. On the other end, I have felt what it is like to rejoice when it clicks, when people make changes to follow the savior, and to keep his commandments. I have felt the joy of witnessing some wounded souls being healed through Christ. THERE IS NO GREATER JOY
I have felt the Joy in obedience, when keeping Gods commandments, and living a life centered on Christ. There is no greater joy than what comes from feeling the spirit in a great abundance each day. I have felt the happiness that comes from hard work, and diligence. I have learned to endure well.. To not throw my hands up when the goin gets rough. I have felt what it is like to live for Christ. I have experienced the enabling, refining, strengthening power of the atonement through each experience.
He has taken me in my weakness and made me stronger.
Trials, conflicts, and weakness are all essential to the journey. Essential to learn from, to develop.. It is all about becoming.
Becoming a more loving person, trusting even though we have been led to mistrust by the actions of others, serving, giving of our time to lift the spirits of another, letting go of what we want and following what God wants. Rather than begging for trials to be removed.. Begging to know what we can learn, or how it can mold us. Christ set the ultimate example in the garden as he suffered for our sins beyond any pain we will ever experience "Not my will but thine be done" were the words that he said..
It is my hope that I have served and will continue to serve in a way that is pleasing to God, that I have become a more humble, trusting servant to Christ.. That as his disciple I can represent him as a clean, righteous woman.
It is my ultimate hope that at the end of my life and my mission on earth I can stand before Heavenly Father and hear the words "Well done my good and faithful servant" It is my hopes that my mission is being accepted and that my services is pleasing to him. It is my hope that when I get off the plane that I can stand before my mom and dad and make em proud!!
"Though hard to you this journey may appear, all is well "
Where do I turn for peace in the mix of trials and changes that occur in life, and the bittersweet endings? I turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, my older brother... Jesus Christ. Through the trials, changes, rough roads, and new beginnings, I turn to Christ. I run to him and fall to my knees in prayer. He is there for each and every one of us. To help bring us home. He lives, and he loves us all infinitely.
